The real adventures of Icarus and Daedalus
by chompyzilla
Summary: The books have things wrong. The whole general gist of their story was there, but they were missing details. So take it from me, some guy who ISN'T making this up as he goes along. This is how things really went.


Back in my day, in the city of Athens, their was a craftsman called Daedalus. Not a craftsman like those arts and crafts projects you made in kindergarten, but more of a craftsman like da vinci.

One day, his nephew Talus invented the saw. This was a very simple yet surprisingly useful invention. Everyone started talking about how talented Talus was, perhaps even more talented than Daedalus himself.

Daedalus was jealous. So he murdered him by throwing him off the acropolis. He died a horrible death involving gravity. As he threw him off he thought to himself: "Ha! That will teach you not to invent any more carpentry tools."

Talus was never seen since that day. Some people thought that Talus transformed into a partridge.*** Others argued that Daedalus tried to hide the murder by burying him.

One day, he left Athens and headed to the island of Crete. (Even this day, I am still not sure off why he left. He said he was feeling guilty and wanted to put it behind him. I think he was banished.) Well he was there, he befriended Minos, the island ruler.

Since he was a craftsman, Queen Pasiphae asked him to make something for her. She wanted him to make a cow suit so she could hook up with a bull. Yes, a bull. The queen's union creates the half-man, half-beast, Minotaur.

The half-beast's stepfather a.k.a. King Minos asks Daedalus to design a maze to trap the minotaur. Every nine years Minos would send 7 young men and women into the labyrinth to be sacrifices.

One of these people sent to his death was Theseus. He thought he was pretty tough so he decided to never wear a shirt. He wanted to fight back and kill the minotaur.

Ariadne, the princess, well in love with Theseus and asked Daedalus to left him through the labyrinth. Daedalus gave Theseus a ball of yarn, because balls of yarn is like a crayon a kiddie menu guiding you on your way back.

Theseus beat up the minotaur. He also probably took his lunch money-Oh yeah, he also killed it. Then, he and the princess escaped and lived happily ever after.

King Minos was mad at Daedalus for helping Theseus kill his stepson. So he trapped him in a tower. He also found his son Icarus, and threw him in the tower as well.

Daedalus was a smart guy, so he though he could fly out of the tower and away from the island. He got some wax from candles, some feathers from the pillows and some yarn from the balls of yarn he carries around with him and works carefully to make some wings with them.***** Icarus spent the whole time playing with feathers.

Once the wings were ready, Daedalus gave his son a warning. He said "You shouldn't fly too close to the sun with those wax wings Icarus, or the wax will melt and you will die the way my nephew died, but with extra drowning.".

They jumped out the window and began the fly. A shepard, a plower and an obnoxious game show host gazed up at them. The shepard pointed at them and yelled "It's a bird!". The plower pointed at them and hollered "'tis a plane!" (I wonder why they were so exited.) The obnoxious game show host faced the shepard and the plower and said "We will figure out what it was right after this quick commercial break!"

Icarus ignored his Father's warning and flew higher, closer to the sun. He got toasted by the sun's ultra-violent rays.(Spelling error intentional.) He dropped towards the sea, yelling "Father!" as he fell. He drowned. (You should probably cry like you did in the lion king at this part.)

Daedalus kept flying to Sicily. He preforms a funeral for his son., build a temple, "curses" his art and makes friends with King Cocalus. King Cocalus's daughter killed King Minos by throwing water at him, because apparently King Minos is a witch.

*(Although, instead of just drawing things he actually built them, leaving none of his ideas untried so that in the future, there could be TV shows about trying them.)

**(Acropolis translates to "hill city", but it is actually one of those buildings with the unnecessarily fancy pillars.)

***(Partridges have less to do with mail than their name makes me think.)

*****(He actually just found a hang glider, but he says otherwise.)


End file.
